My youngest daughter wanted to talk to me, and so, entered my bedroom. The first thing she noticed were some hard candies that I had left atop my dresser. “Why do old people always carry those candies?”. she asked.
“Its one of the rules.”, I answered.
“What rules?”, she inquired, eager to hear more.
“Well”, I said, “When you turn 55, you get this letter in the mail. It explains this organization, designed only for old people. There are a set of rules we must agree to follow, and a list of where to purchase the things you need to join.”
“You’re making this up.”, she stated.
“Am I?”, I replied. I held up my C.A.R.P. membership card. “This is the membership card.”
“But you’re not retired.”, she informed me.
“No, I’m not.”, I answered. “Its just a clever rouse to throw the young people off of the real purpose of the organization. You think its for retired people, but its just old people getting shit the young people can’t find.”
“Like what?”, she asked.
“Like those candies.”, I replied. “And the best places to eat dinner at 4 o’clock, and lessons on being mean and cranky. Its all part of a wonderful conspiracy to keep you dumb asses away from our stuff.”
“I don’t believe you.”, she stated.
“Well, then,”, I said, “Its working perfectly.”
“I don’t know why I talk to you.”, she said as she turned away to leave my room.
“Oh, honey,”, I told her, “I’m doing everything I can to get you to stop.”
“So I see you found the old man asshole store.”, she said.
“About 5 years ago.”, I replied. “Pretty sure I have it mastered by now.”
She left the room. I was proud of myself.
“Why do you have to screw around with the kids?”, my wife asked. The pride quickly vanished.
“I just can’t help myself.”, I said. “Every time I touch this membership card, it just happens.”
“I think you like being a crazy old man.”, she stated.
“Oh, I do.”, I informed her. “And I am quite fond of the crazy old bitch living in your head, too.”
“Thanks.”, she said, as she gave me a hug, just as my daughter returned to my bedroom.
“Ah, no!”, she stated emphatically. “You’re not gonna get into that old people sex stuff now.”
“”No.”, I answered. “We’ll wait until you leave and close the door behind you.”
“You’re very bad.”, my wife said as my daughter left, closing the door behind her.
“Its true.”, I said. “But I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
“Me either.”, the crazy old woman stated. “Me either.”