by Fielding Goodfellow
Shortly after Dr. Henrich Mueller took over as head of the newly formed Toon Research and Development Department, weird things started happening at Disney. While The Muppets successfully launched Pigs In Space, who would boldly go where no porcine had gone before, Disney struggled to find a new direction for its stale catalogue. Mueller, with post graduate degrees in physics and bio-engineering was charged with creating a world that would fuck with the minds of its customers.
Prior to his arrival at the Wonderful World, Mueller had developed a theory that human beings were nothing more than the sum of their emotions, each having its own distinct personality within the physical being. He identified six specific adjectives to describe these essential personal traits, with one central personality maintaining the balance. After decades of painstaking research, he believed that he was ready demonstrate his creation.
Ned Beetleman, a low level groundskeeper was summoned into Mueller’s lab. He offered no resistance, happy just to get in from the cold, damp weather, and sat in a recliner with a helmet placed on his head. The lights flashed, and the drone of the machines grew louder, and when the smoke cleared, Ned sat motionless, but on the far side of the room stood seven little people. “Gentlemen”, Mueller stated with pride, “I give you the seven dimensions.”
“Isn’t there already a Fifth DImension.”, someone called out.
“I think so.”, someone else replied. “They had a Stoned Soul Picnic.”
“They look kind of small.”, the first one added. “Like Dwarves.”
“Alright them”, Mueller continued, “I give you the Seven Dwarves, each representing one part of Mr. Bettleman’s psyche.”
Production, Marketing and even Walt himself came down to see what Mueller had created. They watched the Dwarfs from behind a two way mirror as they marched along the perimeter of the room whistling and singing some inane song about going to work. “Just one question.”, Walt stated. “Why is that one always giving me the finger?”
“Oh, that’s Grumpy.”, Mueller answered. “He’s kind of an asshole.”
“Well”, Walt continued, “you let that pint size asshole know that if I see that damn finger one more time, he’ll never work in this town again.”
“What do we do about Beetleman?”, someone asked.There was silence as no one seemed to know exactly what to do with the shell that lay dormant in the recliner.
“Now round up Mickey, and the Disney Princess Whores.”, Walt commanded. “We have a film to write.”
The body of Ned Beetleman was eventually incorporated into Disney On Ice, and used in several scenes of 1993’s The Nightmare Before Christmas, although he never received credit for his appearance in the film.The Seven Dwarfs went on to fame and fortune working with Snow White despite the fact that they never received the star billing they were promised. They never made another film for Disney, but were seen in other films, specifically, The Terror of Tiny Town, and The Wizard of Oz.