It was hard to believe, but it was true. Or so they said. As weird as it seemed, there was a mouse in my house, appearing sporadically, and moving through walls and doors as if they weren’t there. Its mere presence had my wife and daughters standing on beds and table tops, to avoid its malevolent mischief making. “The mouse is back.”, my wife informed me.”
“That’s impossible.”, I advised her. “We have 3 different kinds of traps, poison all over the house, and we haven’t seen a mouse in a couple of months.”
“Well then,”, one of my daughters stated, “then we have the ghost of a mouse.”
“Really?, I asked, somewhat amazed at this turn of paranormal events. “A ghost mouse?”
“It’s haunting us.”, my daughter added.
“I see.”, I said, dreading what I knew was soon to come.
“I want you to get rid of it.”, my wife ordered. “I want it out of here. For good.” I thought about this for a long time, considering all possibilities, and rejecting only the insane.
“We should have a seance.”, I advised.
“A seance?”, one of my daughters asked quite surprisingly.
“Yes.”, I told them all, “a seance. You know, we sit around the table in the dark, hold hands, and try to contact the spirit to find out what it wants so it can cross over to the other side.”
They grew disturbingly quiet, and then began whispering among themselves, occasionally looking over at me with disapproving eyes.
“Are you making fun of us?”, my youngest daughter asked.
“Oh, no.”, I told her. I would never do something like that. We only have so many choices. We can have a seance, or an exorcism. And since the mouse is dead, I don’t think he needs any exorcise do you?”
“It’s not funny!”, my wife shouted from atop the bed. “Get the damned thing out of this house.”he gave me the Moroccan look, the one that she always gives to show me that she is going to put a curse on me. I have told her for years that I am immune. It is my superpower.
“Okay.”, I said. “Everybody out of my room. I need to change into my mouse catching gear.” What I wouldn’t have given to have had a deer stalker hat, a red cape, and blue tights to change into. I could be Exterminator Man.
“Where should we go?”, one of the girls asked.
“Go stand on your own bed.”, I said, and they left, tip toeing as they walked, checking the hallways, and the corners for its presence. I put on some old sweats, and began my crusade. I checked bedrooms, pulled everything out of closets, moved furniture, and looked under beds, but I saw no trace of this revenant rodent.
“I’ll look again tomorrow.”, I told them.
“How can I sleep tonight,” a daughter asked, “when there’s a ghost mouse roaming around the house?”
“If you’d like, you can stay awake all night, and if you see him, call me.”, I answered.
I went into my room. “Does a mouse really need to haunt someone?”, I asked my wife.
“Why not?”, came her response.
“Well”, I postulated, “When he’s alive, he’s haunting you. I don’t understand why he would need to continue that after death.”
“Maybe he has some unfinished business.”, she replied.
“What unfinished business could they possibly have? Did he not eat half a piece of cheese?”
“I don’t know.”, she answered. “I do know I want that damn thing out of here, tomorrow!”
Sometime in the middle of the night, I went to the bathroom. As I opened the door, and turned on the light, there he was, the little brown bastard. He ran out of the bathroom, down the hallway, and into one of my daughter’s rooms. I grabbed a broom from the kitchen, and we met on the battlefield. He was hiding in the closet, and I began to move boxes, and bins out. I saw him! Hiding behind a box of mementos, his beady little eyes peering out at me, and I, in my boxers, holding my broom. The lines were drawn. The little rodent was not getting out of this room alive. He made a run for it, and I swung my mighty broom, making contact, and knocking him over. I held him down with my broom, and that was it. It was over. He was terminated, no longer terrifying my family with his malevolent mouse mischief.
I disposed of the remains, made coffee, and waited for the haunted to awake. I was sitting at the table, drinking coffee when they got up. I had my broom of power at my side, and nothing else, except for my boxers of bravery.
“What are you doing?”, my wife asked.
“Drinking coffee.”, I replied.
“Why are you holding the broom?”, she clarified, “and why are you walking around half undressed?”
“I came, I saw, and I conquered.”, I told her.
“What are you talking about?”, my wife asked.
“It was horrible.”, I explained. “I woke up and saw the ghost mouse.”
“Really?”, she asked, filled with the wonder of a 10 year old child.
“Really.”, I continued. “He was just sitting there in the bathroom, staring at me. He was dressed in a kilt, and playing little wee bag pipes.That’s all he wanted. It seems he was a Scottish mouse, named Angus, who left this realm, happy to be playing his pipes again. I don’t think he’ll bother you again.”
“Really?”, she asked, although I was sure she didn’t believe me.
“I drove him out with the broom of power. Its over. He’s gone.”
“Broom of power?”, she questioned.
As we walked out of the kitchen, she turned to me. “You know”, she said. “Since you’ve got that broom of power handy, how about sweeping the kitchen floor.”
“I don’t know.”, I told her. “Its extremely powerful.”
“I know.”, she said. “Just be careful, and you’ll be okay.”