Aliens

My wife has always had an interest in the paranormal. She is quite interested in ghosts, specters, and spirits from the other side. She believes that they come to visit out of kindness and good will, and not to scare the hell out of us. She sees them often. I however, am not certain of their intent or their good nature, but I have always given in to my wife’s insistence that all is well in the spirit realm.

There was a time not too long ago, when I saw a different side of my wife. A fear of the unknown. A fear, not of ghostly daring dos, but of possible Alien intrusion. Yes, that’s right. We had a harrowing experience, one that she could not explain other than Alien involvement.

It was early evening, that time in between light and dark, when shadows dance across time and space, making the world appear black and white. There was a fine rain falling, a mist that seemed to enhance the shadows, making them seem closer than they actually were. We were returning home from the Casino. We were regaling each other with tales of our losses, as we approached a short covered section of the road, a covered bridge that was basically an underpass to allow cars to pass above us. We had driven through this underpass hundreds of times. At best, it took 15 seconds to clear, and arrive on the other side.

We entered the short tunnel, There was no talking as we went through. When we reached the other side. We looked at each other with some concern.

“That seemed to take a hell of a long time.”, I said.

“I know.”, my wife agreed. “How long were we in there for?”

I don’t know.”, I answered. I wasn’t looking at the clock.”

“What time did we leave the casino at?”, she asked.

“I don’t remember.”, I said.

“Well, that’s just weird.”, she muttered. “What do you think happened?”

“I have no idea.”, I told her.

“Don’t you think it strange that we both felt it took forever to get through the underpass?”, she asked. And neither of us can remember what time we left the casino?”

“I suppose.”, I stated. “But there’s probably some reasonable explanation.”

“Well”, she said, as straight faced as I had ever seen her, “I think either we were scanned by aliens, or we entered some sort of time warp.” I looked at her closely. She was dead serious.

“Really?”, I asked. “You think that time was frozen while some aliens fiddled with us? I would have liked them to take us out for dinner first.”

“I never said that time was frozen.”, she explained. “We simply don’t remember the time when they scanned us. Something pretty extra ordinary, something extra terrestrial just happened to us.” She paused only long enough to light a cigarette. “What if we have all kinds of weird side effects?”

“Like what?”, I asked.

“I don’t know.”, she replied. “Like horrible nightmares, or we get some virus or something.”

“Or maybe we start sculpting things out of mashed potatoes.”, I offered. “Hey, wait a minute. Did you check to make sure they didn’t take your money when you were being scanned?”

“You really need to stop being such a sarcastic ass.”

” I just don’t know why you’re so freaked out by it.”, I answered.

“Because its weird.”, she said. “Something happened to us, and I can’t explain it. You can’t explain it. Its kind of scary that we can’t account for the time, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know.”, I said. “I guess I just don’t think that everything I can’t explain is the result of a ghost or alien encounter.”

“Well”, she continued, “this was something quite out of the ordinary. Something else was at work here. Don’t you think its even possible?””

“Almost everything is possible.”, I said. “I’m just not sure I want to accept the notion that I had been violated by aliens.”

“Is it really so far fetched?”, she persisted.

“Not really.”, I answered. “I just don’t know how I could respect myself in the morning if its true.”

“You’re an ass.”, she told me.

“I know.”, I reminded her. “You’ve already mentioned that.”

My wife has told this story countless times, to countless numbers of people, and each time, they look to me for some sort of explanation from this world. I can’t give them one. I just don’t know. Perhaps my wife is right. Maybe we were scanned by beings from another world, or another dimension. She just may be right. It wouldn’t be the first time. Or perhaps she is one of them. That would explain so much.

 

 

 

Advertisements

The Disappearance of Lily Belle

 

“She’s gone, daddy! She’s gone!”, My daughter shouted hysterically, as she ran into the backyard.

“Who’s gone?, I asked, taking her by the hand.

“Lily Belle, daddy!. Lily Belle is gone”.

dollMy heart sank. My wife turned ghostly white, her eyes filled with despair. “Find her daddy. Find her.” And so began one of the most trying events my family has had to endure.

We searched everywhere. Under beds, and in closets. In laundry hampers, and trash cans. We checked the garage, and the basement. Lily Belle was indeed gone. “Maybe you should go look outside.”, my wife said. “Check the neighbors. And the park.”

“Really?”, I asked.

“We have to find her.”

I walked from house to house, checking front and back yards. I walked to the park, and she was not searchthere either. “I couldn’t find her.”, I told my wife.

“We have to do something.”, she said.

She was right. We had to do something. “Like what?”, I asked.

“I don’t know.”, was the response. “But I can’t go through this again.”  Lily Belle had gone missing before. Her disappearance then had created a night of hysterical screaming from my daughter. Lily Belle was part of the family.  When my eldest daughter was in a children’s hospital, she found her in a bin, and kept her  during her long hospital stay. When she was finally discharged, she took her home. When my youngest daughter was born, Lily Belle was passed on to her, and now, they had become inseparable. So here we were, in the midst of a search and rescue mission for a torn and tattered, wadding stuffed, pile of cotton.

“I think we just put an end to it tonight.”, I suggested. That seemed to be the most logical thing to do. If the disappearance was permanent, this would never happen again. “I say Lily Belle never comes back.”

My wife looked terrified, as she held my daughter, covering her ears, as if to shield her from the terrifyingly evil plot my mind was hatching. Truth be told, I had hatched no plot. As I explained to kidnapmy wife, we had 3 choices. “First, Lily Belle ran away, never to be heard from again. This would be devastating to my little girl, as she would inevitably blame herself, and feel that Lily Belle never loved her. Second, Lily Belle was kidnapped. Heartbreaking, but a ransom note could be found that discloses just how much Lily Belle loved and missed my daughter. Most kidnap victims never return. Even if the ransom is paid”.

“And third?”, my wife asked.

“Third”, I continued, “aliens.”

“What?”, my wife asked in that tone I have heard so many, many other times.

alien“Aliens.”, I repeated. “She came from another planet to help sick children feel better. And now she had to go back and take care of a very sick alien child. We could write a goodbye letter.”

“That’s all you have?”, my wife asked.

“That, and the truth.”, I said. “We lost the friggin’ doll.”

“Let’s just keep looking, and hope she turns up.”, my wife said.

Over the next 2 days, we continued our search, and came up with nothing, although I was almost certain that I had seen 3 toed footprints in the backyard. We emptied drawers and suitcases. We climbed trees and went up on the roof to look. At the end of the second day, I issued an executive order to call off the search.

“It’s enough.”, I told my wife. “Lily Belle is gone. And she wont be coming back. I will talk to Step tomorrow when I get home.”

“What are you going to tell her?”, my wife asked.

“I have no idea. Although I am quite excited about the alien story.”, I said.

On the drive home the next day, I kept trying to rehearse what I would indeed tell my daughter. Nothing seemed to come out right. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I couldn’t seem to find any words that would not create pain or anguish in her.

When I got home, I called her outside. We sat on the top of the picnic table. “I want to talk to you about Lily Belle.”, I told her.

“Its okay, daddy.”, she said, “Mommy told me what happened, and I know you didn’t mean to do it.” She turned and gave me a hug.

accident“Well, I’m glad you understand that, Steph.”

“Mommy says that you don’t drive real good anymore, because your eyes are bad, and you wont go and get glasses. I know you didn’t mean to run Lily Belle over.”

“No, I didn’t”.

“But daddy”, she said, with her mother’s tone of disapproval. “You really need to get glasses so you can see what you’re doing.”

“Ok, Steph. And thank you for understanding.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Tale of Mystery & Imagination

 

I don’t know why I should be surprised  by anything anymore, but there are things going on that defy explanation.

Toilet paper seems to be vanishing in my house. No, really!! This has been going on for years, and no one in my family can offer a reasonable explanation. I purchase a package of 30 double rolls, tp2equivalent to 60 rolls on Saturday, and by Wednesday morning, I am informed that we are out of toilet paper. I have asked, on numerous occasions, what happened to the toilet paper I had just purchased, but no one seems to know. There are only 4 of us now, and when I do the math, that works out to be 7 1/2 double rolls, equivalent to 15 rolls of toilet paper. Based on the package lasting only 5 days, Saturday to Wednesday, that is 3 double rolls per person, or 6 single rolls, per day. “This is bordering on insanity.”, I inform the family. “What are you doing with toilet paper?”

I have discovered that no one is involved in any sort of arts & craft project, and no one is using it to express their disdain at one of our neighbors. What then is happening to the toilet paper? I have spoken to my wife about this on several occasions. She believes that I am over reacting just a bit, I mean, it is only toilet paper. I, tp1however, stand by the premise that something weird is afoot. She informs me that there are 3 females living in the home, and well, girls use toilet paper more than boys. “They need it when they pee.”, she says. But how many times do my wife and daughters pee in a day? No, that doesn’t solve the mystery.

It has become so severe, that I have taken to hiding a couple of rolls for my own personal use. I refuse to be caught with my pants down, and well, you know what I mean. There have been many attempts to pilfer my stash. I have found them going through my drawers and closet looking for additional rolls when they have run out. My wife has even taken to asking me to lend her some, but only on special occasions.

I have come into the bedroom, while my daughter has been in the shower for well over 30 minutes. Now, we only have the 1 bathroom, and sometimes, it is quite difficult to wait to use the bathroom. tp5So, as I said, I have come into the bedroom, and found my wife, squatting over a Tim Horton’s coffee cup, urinating into the cup. “I couldn’t hold it any longer.”, she quips. “Well”, I say with a grin, “I see you finally got the ensuite you wanted.”

“Can I borrow some of your toilet paper?”. I let her know, that despite how much I love her, I will not want it back. Consider it a gift.

My wife denies any collusion from her other worldly relatives. “I don’t think they need any”, she advises. ” I doubt spirits need to go to the bathroom.”

“How do you know?” , I inquire. “Perhaps they do.”

“Well, if that were true, don’t you think there would be toilet paper over there?”

 

tp3I don’t believe, not even for a moment that ghosts are taking my toilet paper. Perhaps there is a vortex to another dimension in my bathroom. It could be that aliens are in need of toilet paper.  Something sinister is going on here. My wife says that it’s not a big deal, and that I am imagining things. I think my wife, with her new found frugality, would be more concerned about this. Unless, of course, she is behind it all.

I will be going back to buying single rolls of the cheapest toilet paper I can find. Neither the aliens, nor my family can be trusted with the expensive stuff.