Here She Comes Again

 

As each of my children has grown, there has been a tearful goodbye, and, once the door had been closed and locked behind them, a celebration my wife and I have shared in silence, through glances that scream joy and gratitude. “Another one out.”, was never said, but my how it was celebrated.

“We have to talk.”, my wife said the other night. “What do you want first, the good news or the bad news?”

“I’d prefer no news at all.”, I answered

“Well, that’s not an option.”, she said, as she sat down beside me, and turned the television off.

“The good news is”, she began, “your daughter is breaking up with Rick.”

“How is that good news?”, I asked. “I like Rick.”

“Well, there really is no good news, then.”, she replied. “It’s just bad news, and even worse news. She’s moving back home.”

“Hell, no.”, I shouted. “Don’t we have some kind of no return policy?”

“I’m afraid not.”, I was informed. “She needs you to rent a truck and help her move.”

“When does it end?”, I asked, although I didn’t really expect an answer. And yet I got one.

“She’s our daughter.”, came the reply.

I was well aware of who my children were, but I really thought that by the time I was old enough to start collecting Canada Pension, my obligations to them would have long since gone. I truly believed that life would return to that blissful, euphoria when my wife and I free of responsibility and obligation. A time when I could do whatever I wanted to. And now, the dream was over. Just like that, she was moving back home.

“They’re like a virus.”, I stated. “Just when you think you’re over it, it comes back, and starts all over again.”

“It won’t be for long.”, my wife continued, “It’s only until she gets back on her feet.”

“Right.”, I said, with an obvious hint of sarcasm. “She was already on her feet, and that took 25 years. I really can’t wait that long to wait for her to leave again.”

“It will be fine.”, I was told. “You’ll see.”

“I hope so.”, I said. “And let her know that I stopped wearing pants in the house.”

“She knows.”, my wife replied. “Everybody knows. And while we on the subject, we have to get her a bed, and some furniture for her room.”

“She doesn’t have a room.”, I replied. “Not for two and a half years.”

“Well”, my wife advised, “her old room. She will be moving back into her old room.”

“That’s my office.”, I stated.

“I know.”, came the response. “And it was very nice. But now it is being converted into a bedroom for your daughter.”

“Which I have to refurnish.”, I added.

“And by the way.”, my wife went on, “We’re going to meet with her on Sunday and talk about what’s going on with her.”

It was raining on Sunday, quite pathetically ironic I thought,  and as we found my daughter in the coffee shop, I was reminded once again to behave myself, which really meant that I was to not say a word. My wife and daughter began their conversation as I sat quietly, drinking a double cappuccino. They spoke at length about making better choices, and thinking things through, and whether she was sure that whatever was going on between her and Rick was irreparable.  Suddenly, my wife was overwhelmed by a craving for pastry, and excused herself to stand in line and purchase herself a Boston cream donut. She did not, by the way, ask if anyone else had wanted something. I took the opportunity to instruct my daughter that she should try and make it work with Rick. I told her I loved her, and she could always come home, but she needed to be sure. She got a little teary eyed and when my wife returned, she noticed. “What did you do?”, she accused me. “What did you say to her?”

“Not a thing.”, I replied. “We were just talking.”  On the drive home my wife informed me that there were problems in the bedroom between Rick and my daughter. “I don’t want to hear this.”, I stated. “We agreed that we wouldn’t share that kind of information. This is why I want them out of the house. I don’t want to know anything. Let them live their lives, and leave me to age peacefully in my naivete.”

“Well”, my wife added, “She’s decided to stay put for now. She’s going to tell Rick what’s going on, and give it 3 months to see if anything changes. She’s going to look for a job, and hope to find a place of her own.”

“What happened to her job?”, I asked.

“Oh, she quit the clinic 3 months ago.”, my wife informed me.”

“It just gets better and better.”, I stated.

“Anyway”, she continued, “you can keep your office, at least for a little while. And you may as well leave your pants off.”

“Is that an invitation?”, I asked.

“Why not.”, she answered. “You’re a lot of work and a lot of trouble, but never in the bedroom.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Old People’s Club

My youngest daughter wanted to talk to me, and so, entered my bedroom. The first thing she noticed were some hard candies that I had left atop my dresser. “Why do old people always carry those candies?”. she asked.

“Its one of the rules.”, I answered.

“What rules?”, she inquired, eager to hear more.

“Well”, I said, “When you turn 55, you get this letter in the mail. It explains this organization, designed only for old people. There are a set of rules we must agree to follow, and a list of where to purchase the things you need to join.”

“You’re making this up.”, she stated.

“Am I?”, I replied. I held up my C.A.R.P. membership card. “This is the membership card.”

“But you’re not retired.”, she informed me.

“No, I’m not.”, I answered. “Its just a clever rouse to throw the young people off of the real purpose of the organization. You think its for retired people, but its just old people getting shit the young people can’t find.”

“Like what?”, she asked.

“Like those candies.”, I replied. “And the best places to eat dinner at 4 o’clock, and lessons on being mean and cranky. Its all part of a wonderful conspiracy to keep you dumb asses away from our stuff.”

“I don’t believe you.”, she stated.

“Well, then,”, I said, “Its working perfectly.”

“I don’t know why I talk to you.”, she said as she turned away to leave my room.

“Oh, honey,”, I told her, “I’m doing everything I can to get you to stop.”

“So I see you found the old man asshole store.”, she said.

“About 5 years ago.”, I replied. “Pretty sure I have it mastered by now.”

She left the room. I was proud of myself.

“Why do you have to screw around with the kids?”, my wife asked. The pride quickly vanished.

“I just can’t help myself.”, I said. “Every time I touch this membership card, it just happens.”

“I think you like being a crazy old man.”, she stated.

“Oh, I do.”, I informed her. “And I am quite fond of the crazy old bitch living in your head, too.”

“Thanks.”, she said, as she gave me a hug, just as my daughter returned to my bedroom.

“Ah, no!”, she stated emphatically. “You’re not gonna get into that old people sex stuff now.”

“”No.”, I answered. “We’ll wait until you leave and close the door behind you.”

“You’re very bad.”, my wife said as my daughter left, closing the door behind her.

“Its true.”, I said. “But I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“Me either.”, the crazy old woman stated. “Me either.”

Over The Hill

My children, my loving, caring children, have decided that I should try to find a seniors’ living center to move into. They are very concerned that I am having difficulty with my memory, and my ability to complete basic, daily living tasks. I have ensured them that my memory is fine, I merely choose not to remember things that have little or no interest to me, including their piddly ass opinions.. And as for completing basic daily living tasks, well, nobody, and I mean absolutely nobody, can cook osso buco or make matzo ball soup, like I can.

They have sent me a barrage of links to various programs and centers, each with a specific theme. There are a few outdoorsy adventure ones, nestled in Elliot Lake, about 200 light years from anywhere else, and a couple of far more passive, and sedate ones in the heart of the city. I have confirmed with my wife that this is not happening. Not ever.

We discussed our position with our kids, and informed them that while they may think that they know best, in fact, they still don’t know anything. I requested input from the dogs, the 2 smartest creatures I have raised, and my sons became offended.

“Alright”, I told them. “Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to mind your own business, and leave me alone. If you need to worry about something, worry about yourselves. I’m fine. Your mother’s fine. Go home.”.

My kids were silent. They were shocked. My kids just looked at each other, none of them sure how they should respond to the crazy, old man who stood ranting before them. One of my daughters started to cry. She was worried that there would be no one to take of me once they all move on to different cities, to live their own lives. It was all so very ironic.

“I can’t get any of you to take out garbage, or pick up after yourselves. And now you’re worried who will take care of us?”, I pointed out. “If you want to help, go clean the mess you just made in the kitchen. Or cut the grass, or clean the damn bathroom. That would be a big help.”

“We’re taking about what’s going to happen later on.”, one of my genius sons said.

“I’ll tell you what’s going to happen later on.”, I replied. “You’re all going to leave, and your mother will clean the mess you left in the kitchen, and I will cut the grass. Any more thoughts?”

“You’re just being difficult.”, another son said.

“Perhaps.”, I said. “But your mother and I will decide what’s best for us. Until I start walking round the house in my underwear, trying to watch Rocky & Bullwinkle on the microwave, I can make my own decisions.”

” We just want to make sure you guys are alright.”, one of my sons replied. “Its only because we love you.”

“I know.”, I said. “But it would be okay if you spent less time loving us, and more time cleaning up after yourselves. Now, you can either go home, or stay here and mind your own business, but now I feel like taking your mother into the bedroom, and getting naked. When I no longer want to see her with her clothes off, you can look for a place to put me. Until then, we’re good.”

It came as no surprise, really, that they put their coats and shoes on, and left.

“I hope you don’t think we’re really going to get naked.”, my wife said.

“Well, I did.”, I told her, as I headed into the kitchen, trying to improve the reception on the microwave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Si, Senior

1298114-mexican001c111306So, my bank has decided that I now qualify for the senior’s discount on account service fees. It sounds like a good deal, but I am not certain that I am ready to be considered a ‘senior’. I have been telling my kids that it is merely the Spanish term for mister, but they don’t seem to want to believe me. Considering that I receive the  senior discount from the Wyndham Hotel chain, and qualify for the discount days at several retail outlets, it is hard to convince them.

My wife is thrilled about this, and I assume it is the savings she can obtain, and not the insurance money that appears to be creeping closer. In either case, she has decided that we will be going shopping. And maybe out for dinner, as I also received a letter from a local entertainment facility that I am eligible for their discounted early bird senior’s dinner. Sounds like a deal, but I have no desire to eat dinner at 4pm. Everywhere we go, my wife is asking for the discount. She lets them know that I am a senior,and asks if there is a senior discount. Lo and behold, there is, and she can save anywhere from 10%-20% off the total purchase. My job on these outings, as she explains it, is to just stand there and look old.

images-2I am not opposed to saving money, but I resent the fact that I have never been asked for proof of my seniority! I don’t feel like a senior, well most of the time. There are days when my body is, indeed worn out. My mind however, continues to behave like a 19 year old. This does create a significant conflict. “Let’s go out.”, I say to my wife.

“Where do you want to go?”, she asks.

“Why don’t we go to The Horseshoe,  have a beer, and watch a few bands.”, I suggest.

“Can you stay up that late?”, she responds. The truth is, probably not. So instead, we agree to spend a weekend in Niagara Falls, where I get the customary 20% senior’s discount, eat dinner at 4pm, and retire for the night by 10. And all of this with significant savings.

 

 

 

TIME FLIES…

I have no interest in getting older. I never did. In fact, my plan was to flat out refuse. And then, one morning, I awoke to discover that I had indeed aged. I thought it would be okay, I mean, I could always imagesage gracefully. But as time went on, I discovered that there is not much that is graceful in aging.

From the outside, I am doing pretty good. Its the inside that is causing problems. I don’t look old. My body has just succumbed to what I have made it do for all of these years, and it has imploded. There are parts that just don’t work, parts that work with some reluctance, and parts that no longer exist. My hip isn’t really my hip. A prefabricated plastic replica is in its place.

Most recently, I have been diagnosed with COPD, and arthritis. An xray revealed that there are 4 compressed discs in my neck, an encroached nerve, and stress fractures in 7 vertebrae. Works nicely with heart disease, gout, and the ever popular prostate problems. I get up 3 or 4 times a night, limp and hobble to the bathroom to relieve myself, only to hobble and limp back to bed, and realize that I have left old-couplethe bathroom light on!  My wife complains about how bright the light is, how much electricity we are wasting, and how I can’t seem to remember things anymore. So, it seems the mind may be failing as well. I have told her not to worry so much about it. Another year or so and she won’t remember a damn thing either.

I nap during the day, can’t eat most foods, have minimal control of my bladder, need assistance getting up, losing teeth, and hair, and I swear that I am shrinking. Really! A couple of inches shorter that what I used to be. Pretty sure that has to do with the compressed discs, but hell, my body is aging quickly. The doctor however, has reassured me that I am in incredible shape for a 76 year old. I suppose I should take some comfort in that, but I am only 59!