I admit it. I am not ashamed. I am addicted to Tim Horton’s coffee. In any form, really. In the summer, I feed my addiction with wonderfully delicious Iced Caps, or perhaps a somewhat over sweetened Iced Coffee. In colder months, I delve into a Latte. In every season though, I regularly enjoy a large, double double.
It has become somewhat of an obsession, has been for years, trying to get the next fix, while my wife tries to stop me from delving deeper into the abyss. ” You know we have coffee here.” She reminds me.
“It’s not the same.”, I tell her. And off I go to my local Time Horton’s.
“Do you have any idea how much money we would save if you made coffee here?”, she asks.
I do. Lots of it. I have tried all of the solutions I could think of. I purchased a Tim Horton’s Coffee Maker and Tim Horton’s coffee, but it just wasn’t the same. I purchased one of those coffee bars that make every coffee drink known to man, and still there was no satisfaction. The cravings continued and escalated to the point where I now have my GPS programmed to locate every Tim Horton’s in whatever part of any city I happen to be in.
I am particularly drawn to their drive thrus. Not much could be better than driving up, and driving away with a cup of brewed magic. It’s like a drive thru drug deal.
My wife has tried to help by using deception. She has been known to save one of my Tim Horton’s cups, and fill it with coffee she has made at home. She says it is to show me that there really is no difference. Boy, is she wrong. “That’s $2 we could put towards savings.”, She tells me.
“What are we saving for?”, I ask.
“The future.”, she advises.
“Will I be able to get Tim Horton’s coffee in the future?”
“I don’t know.”, she says, quite frustrated.
“Well”, I tell her, “I’d rather just have the coffee now.”
What occurs next s a lesson in basic arithmetic. “Do you know how much money we could save in a year if you just put the $2 in a jar everyday?”, she asks.
I look at her in disbelief. “I do.”, I respond, but I know she is going to tell me anyway.
“Well, factoring in all of the lattes, and Iced Caps, it comes to $830.”, she shouts. “830 fucking dollars. Is there anything that you want to say about that?”
I try so very hard not to say anything that will make her more angry than she already is. But, I just can’t seem to help it. I open my mouth, and well, it just sort of happens. “I love it when you talk dirty to me”, comes out. She just groans.
My addiction intensifies during ‘Roll Up The Rim’, the annual celebration of rolling up the rim of your coffee cup, with the chance of winning free stuff. It should be a National Holiday! There are prizes, big screen TV’s, cash, gift cards, food, a car, and free coffee. I roll up my rim so slowly, so purposefully, hoping to see the words, ‘free coffee’. When I win, I save those rims, apparently for the future, when I may or may not be able to afford a Tim Horton’s coffee.
“Do you want to stop by Tim Horton’s?”, I ask her on our way out to watch the horse races.
“I have coupons for free McDonald’s coffees.”, she advises. “Why don’t we go there?”
“Because the coffee is awful.”
“But it’s free.”, she reminds me. “You know, if you buy 7 coffees at McDonald’s, and put the stickers on the card”, she demonstrates, showing me the stickers and the card, “you get a coffee for free.”
“Why wouldn’t I just buy 7 Tim Horton’s, I mean, I would enjoy drinking them. You really think I would drink that crap to get a free cup of more crap?”
She is fuming now, seemingly ready to explode. But instead, she does what she does best, and just stops talking. About anything. The silence is deafening. But I will not give in. I will not surrender. This time, I will make a stand.
“I have a coupon for free coffee.”, I find myself saying to the machine sitting at the entry to the McDonald’s drive thru. I turn to my wife, and as she hands me the 2 coupons, she grins. “You’re fucking learning.”, she tells me.
“Man, I love it when you talk dirty.”, I tell her.
“I know.”, she says. “Why do you think I do it?”