IF GOD SPOKE TO ME

g1I have often wondered how I would have reacted had God asked me to build an Ark?  What would I have said if I encountered a burning bush that spoke to me?

I had been informed, in my childhood, through the religious education I received,that the Lord speaks to those who are good, devout, and pure. Realizing that I would not appear on a list of potential recipients of God’s helper, I found myself considering my reaction to a heavenly request, should one ever occur. I surmised that in any circumstance, it would play out like this.

G: Hey, wake up.

ME: WTF?

G: You kiss your mother with that mouth? Get out of bed. We need to talk.

ME: How did you get in here? Who are you?

G: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

ME: Oh, hell. Am I dreaming?

G: No. Pay attention. I am God.

ME: Ya, right.

G: See, I told you. No, really, I am God!

ME: Oh, come on.

G: Why would I make that up?

ME: I need coffee.

G: Do you have decaf?

ME: Decaf?

G: Caffeine keeps me up all night.

g6Me: No

G: You should really keep some decaf in the house, even instant. At least for company.

ME: No one comes over.

G: I’m not surprised. What about herbal tea. Do you have any herbal tea?

ME: No tea, just coffee.

G: But no decaf?

ME: No decaf. Didn’t we just cover this?

G: OK. OK. Never mind the coffee.  You want proof that I am who I say I am?

ME: Not really. I just want to drink my coffee

G: You seem agitated. You know, you should probably give decaf a try.

ME: What do you want with me?

G: I want you to do something for me.

Me: What can I do for you that you can’t do yourself? You make miracles.

G: Miracles I can’t do.

ME: What? God is always creating miracles. What about all those bible stories?

G: Just stories.  People make the miracles. I just give them the tools and the opportunities.

ME: So, what do you want with me?

G: I told you, I need a favor.

ME: What kind of favor?

G: A big favor. Will you do what I ask?

ME: We’ll see. So what is the favor?

g4G: I am worried about the lakes, and rivers, and seas. Man has destroyed what I have given to him. I am worried about all of the creatures that live in the waters. I would like you to build an aquarium, a really really big aquarium, and put 2 of every sea creature, 1 male and 1 female, in the aquarium.

Me: You’re kidding, right?

G: I don’t kid.

Me: I can’t build an aquarium.

G: It’s easy.

Me: Then you build it.

G: Are you always so difficult?

Me: Usually.

G: This is important.

Me: Why me?

G: We had a lottery. Every marine biologist had their names put in a big hat, and your name was drawn.

Me: I’m not a marine biologist..

G: No?

Me: No.

G: Are you sure?

Me: I’m sure..

G: Is this 147 Taylor Rd?

Me: No, this is 174 Taylor Rd.

G: oh boy. I am so embarrassed. My apologies. Wrong house. Please go back to sleep. And if anyone should ask, I was never here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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