I have often wondered how I would have reacted had God asked me to build an Ark? What would I have said if I encountered a burning bush that spoke to me?
I had been informed, in my childhood, through the religious education I received,that the Lord speaks to those who are good, devout, and pure. Realizing that I would not appear on a list of potential recipients of God’s helper, I found myself considering my reaction to a heavenly request, should one ever occur. I surmised that in any circumstance, it would play out like this.
G: Hey, wake up.
G: You kiss your mother with that mouth? Get out of bed. We need to talk.
ME: How did you get in here? Who are you?
G: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
ME: Oh, hell. Am I dreaming?
G: No. Pay attention. I am God.
ME: Ya, right.
G: See, I told you. No, really, I am God!
ME: Oh, come on.
G: Why would I make that up?
ME: I need coffee.
G: Do you have decaf?
G: Caffeine keeps me up all night.
G: You should really keep some decaf in the house, even instant. At least for company.
ME: No one comes over.
G: I’m not surprised. What about herbal tea. Do you have any herbal tea?
ME: No tea, just coffee.
G: But no decaf?
ME: No decaf. Didn’t we just cover this?
G: OK. OK. Never mind the coffee. You want proof that I am who I say I am?
ME: Not really. I just want to drink my coffee
G: You seem agitated. You know, you should probably give decaf a try.
ME: What do you want with me?
G: I want you to do something for me.
Me: What can I do for you that you can’t do yourself? You make miracles.
G: Miracles I can’t do.
ME: What? God is always creating miracles. What about all those bible stories?
G: Just stories. People make the miracles. I just give them the tools and the opportunities.
ME: So, what do you want with me?
G: I told you, I need a favor.
ME: What kind of favor?
G: A big favor. Will you do what I ask?
ME: We’ll see. So what is the favor?
G: I am worried about the lakes, and rivers, and seas. Man has destroyed what I have given to him. I am worried about all of the creatures that live in the waters. I would like you to build an aquarium, a really really big aquarium, and put 2 of every sea creature, 1 male and 1 female, in the aquarium.
Me: You’re kidding, right?
G: I don’t kid.
Me: I can’t build an aquarium.
G: It’s easy.
Me: Then you build it.
G: Are you always so difficult?
G: This is important.
Me: Why me?
G: We had a lottery. Every marine biologist had their names put in a big hat, and your name was drawn.
Me: I’m not a marine biologist..
G: Are you sure?
Me: I’m sure..
G: Is this 147 Taylor Rd?
Me: No, this is 174 Taylor Rd.
G: oh boy. I am so embarrassed. My apologies. Wrong house. Please go back to sleep. And if anyone should ask, I was never here.